Nickel Ranttm:
Never Fry Bacon When You're Naked 

by Edgar J. Steele

May 6, 2007

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My name is Edgar J. Steele.  This is a Nickel Rant.

I thought my son never would stop laughing.  Here I just had given him a serious tip, designed to enhance his experience of life as he leaves home for college this fall, but he thought I was joking.

"Son," I had said with the best deadpan I could muster, "remember this always - never fry bacon when you're naked."

"You're speaking from personal experience, I take it?" he asked, once he got himself somewhat under control.

Sheepishly:  "Yes.  I wasn't much older than you and on my own in my first apartment at college.  But, you miss my point."  He started laughing again.

"In other words," I continued, feeling a little frustrated, "Think of the consequences always, even for the seemingly most insignificant things you might do."

"Is this one of the Immutable Laws?" he asked, between giggles.

"No, but it is a corollary, to be sure.  Call it a tip or a refinement, if you like.  I already have given you all ten  of The Laws."

You see, for years I have been writing down and, one at a time, giving my son what I have dubbed the Ten Immutable Laws of the Universe.  Really long-term readers of my writings (and I brush up against The Laws in my book) will recall the concept and, perhaps, even recognize some of them.  Here is the complete list:

Ten Immutable Laws of the Universe

   1.  Men are right.

2.  Women are slow.

3.  Mom is never wrong.

4.  The world is full of morons.

5.  If you're bored, you're boring.

6.  The old ways are the best ways.

7.  Pigs get fat hogs get slaughtered.

8.  Profanity is the crutch of a weak mind.

9.  Do the right thing; not the smart thing.

10. If you want to be loved more, be more lovable.

You're right.  Not exactly equal to the ten laws given to that fellow in the flowing robes and flip flops on Mount Sinai or wherever.  I think of these laws as more akin to the law of gravity, but derived from and for social interaction.  Rules for living.  Laugh if you will (and I do hear the laughter out there), but read them again, and carefully consider the implications of each.

For those who required schematics to understand girls, let's take them, one by one.  Now, I'm going to go through these quickly and provide only partial insight.  You connect the dots and see if you don't agree that there is a very serious side, indeed, to the Ten Immutable Laws of the Universe:

   1. Men are right.  Men and women are different - very different.  Men should be the leaders.  Men should drive the tanks, fly the jets and fight the wars.  Men should make the decisions.  Women should nurture and stay out of politics and ... well, all things manly.  Men are right and women are left, as in left-wing.  Are there exceptions?  Occasionally, but not many.  This is a result of reality, ingrained into our genetics, despite our best efforts to scrub it out in recent years.

   2. Women are slow.  Seriously.  Surely, nobody can challenge this one.  Again, genetics in action.  Women had to consider long and hard with whom they would throw in their lot, to ensure their survival during long, harsh winters in the cave, while pregnant and/or caring for the young.  Men had to act fast, else they got eaten by large, quicker things. 

This Law translates into the most trivial of all things in life - getting ready to go out, for example.  I can get dressed in less than a minute - until I was married, I had two colors of socks:  black and white.  White was for exercise and black for everything else.  I never have to remember which way to comb my hair since I have combed it the same way for over forty years.  And so on...

Female military officers will dither long enough to get you killed.  Male generals might get you killed, but rarely as a result of delay in decision making.

   3. Mom is never wrong.  She may not be right upon occasion - after all, she isn't a man - but Mom is never wrong.   And don't you dare make her cry, because you will regret every time you do so for the rest of your life.  Trust me on this one, folks.  There's a reason for that Commandment about honoring your mother and father.

   4. The world is full of morons.  Well, perhaps not literally, but it certainly seems so most of the time, doesn't it?  Read "Lord of the Flies" by William Golding for an excellent illustration of how otherwise good people can act really bad.  More advanced, but more illustrative:  "All the King's Men," by Robert Penn Warren, as to how even the best of people can go bad.

    5. If you're bored, you're boring.  Nobody likes a whiner.  Want others to be more interested in you?  Be more interesting.  Be accountable.

  6. The old ways are the best ways.  Nothing new under the sun, after all.  History repeats, even for those who study history.

   7. Pigs get fat hogs get slaughtered.  This one is self-obvious, too.  But for its universal application, I hesitate to include it in the list, since it seems to sanction a little dishonesty, but we will fix that with number 9, below.

   8. Profanity is the crutch of a weak mind.  My older brothers taught me to swear like a sailor.  Ever since, I have tried, with mixed results, to clean up my act.  This little homily of mine has proven to help whenever I weaken.

   9. Do the right thing; not the smart thing.  Good deeds pay back better.  If you don't see that, then you haven't looked far enough downstream.  This encapsulates the whole concept of karma.  The ultimate conclusion comes in realizing that giving and being in service to others, by themselves, provide the satisfaction that the acquisition of power, money and things fail to yield. 

We're all in this together and doing unto others quite literally is the same as doing unto yourself, the touchstone of guilt.  Read Dostoevsky's "Crime and Punishment" for more about the consequences of guilt than you every possibly thought you wanted to know.

  10. If you want to be loved more, be more lovable.  Be accountable.  This single Law, if followed, would have kept America out of the Middle East and still number one on the world's Hit Parade, rather than the epitome of evil incarnate to nearly 6 billion human beings.  Listen up, all you victims out there:  Nobody owes you a single thing except to be left alone.

So, once again let me tell you:  Never fry bacon when you're naked.  Sounds a little different this time, doesn't it?

Another time, I will explain just why it is that pizza left atop the refrigerator actually tastes better the next morning than if you put it away inside the fridge.

My name is Edgar J. Steele.  Thanks for listening.  Please visit my web site, www.ConspiracyPenPal.com, for other messages just like this one.


Copyright 2007, Edgar J. Steele

Forward as you wish.  Permission is granted to circulate both the written and audio version of this Nickel Rant among private individuals and groups, post on all Internet sites and publish in full in all not-for-profit publications.   The audio version of this Nickel Rant may also be freely used in its entirety by for-profit broadcasting entities, but is not to be included in any recorded format which then is sold to others.  The audio version may be rebroadcast, either live or archived on the Internet, either copied or linked directly to my web site, profit and nonprofit alike, so long as it is used in its entirety.  In fact, I encourage any and all radio hosts to use it freely.  Contact author for all other rights, which are reserved.


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