by Edgar J. Steele
November 27, 2001.
Okay, that's it. No more Mr.
For seven years I have been
flying on a near-weekly basis, commuting between San Francisco, Portland,
Seattle and Spokane. Before that, there were several years in the late
sixties and early seventies when I commuted every couple of weeks
between the Left and the Wrong Coasts.
I can't use my frequent-flyer miles
fast enough - the current balance is within striking distance of one
million miles. I have a sheaf of free 1st-class upgrade coupons that is
literally an inch thick - I throw away more than I use.
I spent so much time in East Coast
rental cars, perusing those dreadful little maps handed out at the airport
counters, that I still get confused about the direction of the ocean (it's
to the right, so North must be that way...no, that way....no, it's to the
left...no...turn the blasted map upside down...no...arrgggh.). It didn't
help that I served Uncle for two years in a ship, plying the Eastern
and Gulf Coast waters, eyes glued to the charts or radar every moment I
stood underway OOD. I should just give up and move back out there, I
suppose, before I end up Chappaquiddicking myself, because I just can't keep
it straight that the natural direction of the water is to the left.
I would have to drive, though,
because I'm thinking seriously of giving up air travel altogether. Yes,
as a result of 9-11. No, not because I'm afraid of terrorists.
Because the air travel experience has become so gruesome.
John Madden makes road travel look
like fun. Of course, he has a TV crew, roadies, groupies and all
that. I have a wife, three kids, eleven cats, a dog, four goats, some
cows and wayyyyyyy too many horses. Wonder if three -trailer
semis are allowed back east...
Next week I fly again, after a month
off. I dread the thought.
Air travel, with delays,
cancellations, weather and lost baggage, has always been a struggle, one made
tolerable by the opportunity to read and deal with email (755 items, 161
unread today). No more, though. I have studied the evolution of
increased FAA security and found it more than wanting. The recent
federalization of security personnel is too Orwellian for me to bear.
I have never suffered fools or
tyrants gracefully. Some of the more petty are among those who have
been operating airline security in recent years. While I have yet
to miss a plane because of an interchange with one of them, it is simply
inevitable that I will be sidelined for special treatment in the near future.
A month ago, I was going through the
full-bore pat down at Burbank's airport. With the vertically-challenged
latin rodent's paws in my crotch, I smiled at the granny lady next in line and
said, "Don't worry, I won't be much longer because they have already done
my body cavity search." She grimaced nervously while the wand
bandito stared furiously at me for my impertinence. My response?
"Sure am glad you're wearing those rubber gloves." If he
could, said his glare, he would summon one of the uniformed National
Guardsmen loitering nearby, M16 in hand, and have me summarily executed.
It's just a matter of time.
That's why I have never taken flying lessons. Or skydiving lessons.
And why I sold my motorcycle when I was 24. The way I do things, it's a
just a matter of time before I kill myself. A triumph of good sense over
adrenaline. I can't park my mouth so easily, though.
And it's not just that.
Arriving two hours early and just barely making a flight that takes 30
minutes? Do the math. It's quicker to drive. And cheaper.
And you can stop to pee anytime you
like (I'm a man, therefore the world is my urinal, don't forget), unlike those
passengers forced to put their hands atop their heads for the remainder of
that recent flight on the wrong coast, during which a guy who had to pee 15
minutes before landing was thrown face down by a sky marshall, then manacled.
Flying has become the modern EST
seminar, the original "no-pee" training for personal growth.
It wasn't fun then, and it isn't fun now.
And you don't have to submit to
having your car searched, simply to park it.
I fail to see what all this has
gained us, anyway.
Some of Osama's ragheads with razor
blades allegedly (Come on, what proof have you seen? And all
the black boxes were destroyed? Yeah, right.) hijack four planes
and nail three buildings. That was a one-time event, never to happen
again now that we passengers all realize we die if don't do something.
Why, even the fourth plane went down short of the mark, possibly due to the
heroics of passengers ("possibly" because it came apart in midair
and actually crashed primarily in two locations, miles apart, suggesting it
was shot out of the air, as the other planes should have been, but weren't, in
the single most glaring lapse in national air security since Wilbur Wright
went aloft without a seatbelt).
They all had ID. They all had
social security cards. (Then why weren't any of them
listed on the passenger manifests, by the way?) The box cutters appear to
have been prepositioned. Nothing that has been imposed since then would
have prevented what occurred September 11. Yet, government forges
ahead with more rules, more bureaucracy, more delay, more inconvenience, more
It's not such a problem for the
once-a-year traveller. Kind of a lark, actually, to see all that
commotion that we've all been hearing so much about.
But for us true frequent fliers?
Whole 'nother story, boys and girls. We're not happy. And we're
not flying anywhere near as much. Many of us are rearranging our lives
to make that permanent, too. Once a week is history. Once a month
is too much for me to bear, too, given the way things are - I'm going to
work it down by telecommuting, driving and just plain doing without.
There are lots of people just like me. We have been the backbone of the
air travel industry and we are through being abused.
No more Mr. Nice Guy. Talk
about Air Rage.
"I didn't say it would be easy. I just said it
would be the truth."
Copyright © Edgar J. Steele,
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